iSEEu

I don’t really know what’s happening, but I know I can’t go through this alone. Jesus, please hold me close. 

Sorry Tumblr, for neglecting you. I’m finally giving in and writing a new post so I can appease those that have been badgering me to do so for such a long time. My reason for refusing to update? It’s hard for me to share my burdens and struggles with others. It’s a pride thing I guess. I don’t like people knowing my weaknesses. I’m afraid of being judged. But that’s not how it should be. We’re called to be transparent, because that brings healing. So..I guess I’ll start with how I’ve been doing. My life this semester in a nutshell. Here goes:

This semester has been incredibly tough for me, especially in terms of school and community. I’m struggling with maintaining my grades, I feel as if I don’t really connect with anybody, I’m constantly overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness and I’m physically drained all the time. It’s weird though, because I have no idea why. I mean, I’m studying, I’m doing my job as a student, I’m surrounding myself and interacting with people, I sleep….so why aren’t things going the way I expect? Why do I feel the way I do? Things have been this way for quite some time now, and the culmination of all this is that I’ve been consumed with worry and I’ve become apathetic in my walk with Christ.

I think something that I’ve realized about myself - or more accurately, I’ve known about myself and never wanted to admit -  is that I’m extremely hypocritical when it comes to being a Christian and living out the gospel. I say I want to follow Christ, but my actions show otherwise. I ask God to shape me and mold me for his purpose, but I’m reluctant to allow him to take control of my life. I tell God that I trust him with everything, but I frequently rely on my own strength to carry me through difficult situations. The things that I work toward are always self glorifying, and never about Him.

Lord, help me because this isn’t how I want to be. I had been praying this prayer for a while and the thing is, God answered it. Just not in ways that I’m comfortable with.

God has really been breaking me. He knows exactly what the idols of my heart are and what keeps me from devoting myself entirely to him and, because I’m too stubborn to let go of these things, he’s painfully snatching them away from me. It hurts and I don’t like it, but God is faithful and I’m slowly beginning to see how rewarding it is to really give everything up to follow Him. God isn’t putting me through trials to make my life miserable. He’s good. He’s doing this because he loves me, and because he doesn’t want to watch me fall away. He’s chasing after me, and when I don’t listen to his subtle warnings he does something to really grab my attention. And despite everything, God’s always there with me no matter what. I was never promised an easy life, but I was reassured that I would never have to go through anything alone. It’s been a humbling experience for sure.

When I think about it, I’m reminded of one of the lines from that one song, “Blessings,” by Laura Story.

What if trials in this life, are your mercies in disguise.

I’ve been getting better, I think. I’m getting back into the discipline of spending time in the word each day, and God is revealing so much to me about his grace and character.

God, I’m so thankful that despite the things I do, you love me. Nothing I do will make you love me any less. You are merciful indeed.

I’m learning, SBS.

Esther – Where do I even start?? I had no idea I’d grow as close to you as I have in the past few months. In previous years at ACC we’ve never really been much more than acquaintances, or maybe a little more than that. I was so happy when I found out that of all your housing choices you got placed in Kinsolving, which was your last preference but was where I was staying. Maybe it wasn’t coincidence. Maybe that happened for a reason. The first night we were at UT I stayed with you as a temporary roommate because you were the only person I knew, and Kathy wasn’t there yet. Little did I know that I’d soon become a permanent one.  Thank you for letting me borrow your clothes and shoes. :) Thank you for being there to listen to anything I have to say. Thanks for helping me through tough times and offering your advice. Thank you for tolerating my weirdness and getting me Starbucks doubleshots when you know I’m staying up to study.  I’m so blessed to have you in my life. Without you, I know my transition to college definitely wouldn’t have been as smooth. I love you mucho. :)

Z- I remember the first time we met. I know I’ve said this countless times, but I was seriously weirded out by how you just randomly came up to me and introduced yourself. My exact thoughts were, “Why is this guy bothering me?? I don’t even know him.”  Little did I know that you’d become one of the most important people in my life. Thank you for taking that initial step in talking to me. I know I’m not the most approachable person, but it really meant a lot that someone cared enough to try and get to know me. In the beginning, I had a lot of trouble fitting in at church.  Because of you the youth group became a more comfortable environment, and with your help I got to know more people around me. After a few jokes about how my dress one Sunday looked like your bathroom wallpaper, we became closer. You’re always looking out for me, and I thank you for that. I’ve always wanted a big brother to take care of me, and I guess God answered my prayer. Thank you for always being there to listen to me and being able to tell me exactly what I need to hear in any situation, good or bad. Thank you for always keeping up with me and making sure I’m alright. Thank you for teaching me how take it easy and chill sometimes. Thank you for accepting me the way I am, even when I disappoint you. I think I owe it to you for making me so much stronger socially, mentally, and spiritually. I don’t know where I’d be without you. You’ve taught me so much about God and his love for me, about how to love others, and even about myself. Thanks Ge Ge, even though you’re mean to me sometimes and you cause me unnecessary stress. AHA :) You’re the best.

Thanksgiving is quickly approaching, and lately I’ve just been thinking about all the people in my life that I have to be thankful for. So for everyday starting today, I’m going to write about someone whom I really appreciate. You might not know it, but I don’t know how I’d live without you. :) Thanks for being in my life. 

So first off.. CATHERINE :)

My best friend since you let me have those shiny pennies in your coin rolls during offering time at the summer VBS at First Baptist Church. I remember how you told me you had just moved to Arlington, and you didn’t know which school you would be attending yet. I was so happy when I recognized you during the first day of class in 3rd grade, when all the new comers were asked to stand up and introduce themselves. I’m SO THANKFUL that you’re in my life. I loved all those times I ate bulgogi, kimchi, and ramen at your house, my second home. You always listened to all my complaints, even though I’m pretty sure it got annoying at times. I know there weren’t few of them. Thank you for always understanding me and being there when I needed someone. Thank you for always making me laugh with your awkward jokes and giving me advice when I was going through tough times. I miss how I don’t carpool with you anymore every morning, and I miss seeing you everyday of my life. Now that we go to different colleges (not to mention RIVAL colleges), I miss your company. Sometimes I wish we could go back to those carefree days where we just chilled at our houses and painted our nails together while we talked about your new crush of the week. Thank you so much for being such a big part of my life. I honestly don’t know how I could have gotten through the majority of my life without you. I can’t wait to see you soon. :) MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY.